But I have set the intention to know, love and accept myself deeply and that sort of intention takes me to some pretty confronting places and situations. It means facing fears, wiping away illusions and bringing together all the lost fragments of my heart. It's a journey to the centre of my being where I find my inner goddess and allow her to shine from the inside out. This week I'm attempting to shine, at the Go to Girl Networking Event on Thursday.
Despite knowing Natalie Cutler-Welsh from Go to Girl for some time, I have never been to one of her fabulous Go to Girl Networking nights. I'm really looking forward to mixing and mingling with other fabulous women in business. As I said before, I've decided to use this event to push myself out of my comfort zone and step into my goddess zone. In other words, I'm daringly trying out a new look. The pin up look.
I have NEVER known how to dress myself and I'm 34. If I've ever looked good when I've gone out, trust me it's been luck. I have always shopped with the mentality of "what can I buy that will hide my long list of flaws". For a while I wore clothes that were 10 years too old for me and at least two sizes too big because the only way I felt safe was if I hid under baggy, shapeless clothes. I remember telling a friend - "but you can't see the edge of my tummy under this t-shirt so I could be really skinny". Feel free to face palm.
I have always LOVED the pin up look but it wasn't until I chatted with Kylie May today from Bop Crazy Baby that I realised why. For me, the pin up look says sexy and strong. It says feminine and empowered. A pin up looks at home in her body, her skin and her curves. She is in love with her shape. She's having fun with how she looks and though I'm sure she is happy to be admired for her beauty, her look is for her to enjoy first and foremost. She is a goddess. Yes! That's how I want to look and feel......so why haven't I done it until now and why am I absolutely terrified of trying this look considering all the wonderful stuff I just said? One word - forgiveness.
The topic of forgiveness has been swirling around me lately. I've been wondering to myself, why all these messages about forgiveness? I haven't hurt anyone, no one has hurt me? What's to forgive? It wasn't until I looked closely at why I was feeling so nervous about trying a pin up look that the penny dropped. I have spent almost two decades disowning, shaming, condeming and hating my body. Wishing for it to be different. I've been a floating head for gods sake! Trying this look and wearing this style is introducing me to my body once again. It requires me to not only look at my curves but embrace them. It requires me to potentially see myself as sexy and strong. To truly do this, authentically and in a way that transform me fully, I need to forgive myself. Hello yet another confrontational struggle.
I feel the reason we struggle to forgive someone is because we can't accept that whatever happened, happened. We feel that the person should have known better. That they could have made a better choice. It's our refusal to accept that it happened in the first place that blocks us from ever forgiving the greviance. There is a part of me that cannot accept my body for how it is. That it should not look this way. That I should have made better choices. It's a part of me that I'm ready to release. The part of me that yearns for things to be different from how they are. I can see how insane it is to hold onto that. It's like yelling at the rain when it's already falling.
So here I go. I set the intention to accept my body as it is here and now. I choose to honour and embrace it as it is. I choose to focus my attention on how my body feels rather than how it looks. I choose to move away from shoulds and into the world of coulds. I choose to have fun and play with colours and styles. I choose to follow the example of my wises teachers, my girls Charlotte and Michaela. They rock their princess dresses to the supermarket not because they want to look like princesses but because they feel like princesses. They never come out of their rooms dressed up and say to me "What do you think mum? Is the crown too much?" They rock princess and I can rock pin up, I know it.
So stay tunned! I'll be blogging about each part of the journey including the dress, hair, make up and the big night. I'm looking forward to the big reveal in Wellington with all the sassy ladies from the Go to Girl Network.
Bron (pin up in the making)
Check out my journey to pin up here: