Lately I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the concept of acceptance as a practice. People talk about practicing forgiveness and practicing gratitude, so what about practicing acceptance?

Wikipedia says
“Acceptance in human psychology is a person's assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it or protest it".

Recognising without attempting to change or protest – wow, that can be a tall order in some situations. Especially when something awful has happened or a person has been particularly hurtful. I find what makes those situations all the more intense is not so much what actually happened, but rather my feelings about what happened.  Specifically, that situations like that should never occur in the first place.  It’s that self-righteous anger, it keeps me stuck in judgement and resentment.

Practicing the art of acceptance is something very specific to me. It’s about letting go of the notion that people should be different than how they are in the moment I’m encountering them.  It’s about letting go of the idea that horrible experiences shouldn’t happen. It’s about realising that there’s really no point standing in a pile of rubble and shouting about how things should not have fallen down. They have. It’s happened. I don’t have to be happy about it but I can choose to decide what I’m going to do next. Am I going to rebuild? Am I going to walk away? Am I going to sift through the ashes looking for treasure? All of those options are benefiting me more than stamping my feet defiantly that things shouldn’t be as they are.

Acceptance allows me to feel into a space where I can let go of my desire to fight against what has already happened. It’s a sort of softening that takes me away from the rigidness of anger and into a place where I can focus on soothing myself and look for the next steps forward.  Those steps may well be dramatic depending on the situation I am called to accept but at least I’d be moving forward and no longer stuck shouting at the rain when it’s already falling.

And what about people? Oh this is a tough one. The art of acceptance calls on us to let go of the idea that people should be behaving differently than they are.  It doesn’t mean I’ll be allowing people to treat me poorly, it means when I do feel mistreated, I’ll be concentrating on how to move forward rather than sitting crossed armed saying “they shouldn’t be behaving like this”. Because people always have their reasons, I might not like them or I might struggle to understand them, but they’re there. Their behaviour towards me in any given moment is not happening in isolation to the rest of their life. They’ve lived a whole life up until that moment where they interacted with me, one action or thought leads to another. So I’ll have to decide, will I try to resolve this conflict? Will I walk away from this person for now? Will I share my hurt feelings? Again, all of these options are much more productive than an attempt to tell this person they shouldn’t be being who they are.

Ultimately, the art of acceptance is calling us back to our sanity. There’s no point declaring angrily that things that have happened should not have happened or that people should not be behaving the way they are. It’s happened and they’re doing it, despite our protest.  Yes, negative outcomes are occurring from these things and acceptance it’s not about being okay with shitty situations or people. It’s about letting go of the resistance of how things are and deciding instead to move forward with damage control.
 
If you’re having trouble forgiving a situation, a person or finding things to be grateful about in your life right now, I encourage to see if you can feel into acceptance instead.  This worked for me, especially around gratitude. There was a time when things were just not going my way and it was all feeling a bit unfair. I knew it was beneficial to forgive people and write gratitude lists but I just couldn’t seem to muster the energy to do it. I couldn’t even fake it to make it. I realise now that it was because I hadn’t yet accepted the situations that had happened to me. How could I forgive someone when I still felt like they should never had done what they did? How could I be grateful for my life when I wasn’t able to accept the state of my life as it was?  But when I decided to try just accepting things as they were, I found I was able to let go of feeling angry about it. I was finally able to make some steps towards improving things about my life instead of dwelling on past pains.  I realised that sitting around feeling pissed off about how things were was doing zip to change anything (although I have to say, I did indulge a little in a pity party for a while there).  At the end of the day, pinning for an alternate reality where a situation didn’t happen or a person behaved differently is a bit futile. At least until they invent an alternate reality transporter machine.

I just want to emphasise one more time that I’m not suggesting people find a way to be happy or even okay about horrible situations or people. I’m just saying that I’ve made a lot of progress in my life from deciding to accept situations and people as they are and by focusing on what I want to do about it.

I encourage you to have a look around and see if you’re crying about the rain while standing in the rain, or if you’re stomping around in the rubble of a situation declaring that things should not have fallen down.  When we decide we want to move on, that’s when the practice of acceptance comes in. It’s when we decide to choose peace over our need to feel right about feeling wronged. Acceptance is, in my opinion, the spark of momentum that moves our focus forward. It sucks, it’s not okay, it’s happened, what am I going to do next? 
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And if you just can’t accept things right now, I encourage you to accept that you’re not ready to accept. You may need a bit more time to grieve before you’re ready to move on and that’s perfectly acceptable.

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With love and acceptance
Bron

My girls were beyond excited to arrive at the Dun Eden Family Farm. As soon as we opened the gate, they were happily chasing chickens while we waited for the tour to begin. This gave me a chance to chat to Richard, one of the owners of the Dun Eden Family Farm, who enlightened me on some fun facts about the chickens and turkeys gathering around us.  It wasn’t until later, when I sat down to chat with Richard and his wife Clare, that I learned Richard knew very little about farm animals when they first bought the place. Everything he told us about the animals across the day was knowledge he’d gathered on a steep learning curve over the last year. You would never have known, Richard spoke with the confidence of a seasoned farmer and has a natural way with the animals he’s still learning so much about.

Richard has a background in managing properties. Clare has a farming background from growing up on a goat farm in Scotland. The opportunity to buy and manage a farm park property married their skill sets in the most magical way. I laughed as Clare and Richard told me about when they went to look at buying the property on a day so cold the mud froze.  “We still loved it” they told me.  It was an opportunity that allowed Clare to be at home with their 2-year-old daughter, Isobel (who Richard introduced to us as their stock manager), while also moving them towards their goal of running a self-sustainable hobby farm. 

They both saw the potential in the property and have already made many improvements.  I loved the mural they've painted in the kids party room.  Such a neat spot for a birthday party and with all the animals there, the kids are in heaven. The rabbits have been treated to upgraded digs with fresh grass laid. One of my favourite stops on the tour was along the bush walk where Richard told us about the restorative work that had been done to the area in the past.  As the Tuis called above us, you'd never believe you were just 10 minutes from the Octagon.
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​The tour was much more than just seeing and feeding animals.  Richard asked the children questions and answered their questions in return.  “I don’t like to say – I don’t know. If someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to, I’ll go and look it up”. He also did a great job of making sure the children and adults interacted safely with the animals. “I like to make a big deal about safety and minimising stress on the animals. We know that kids are naturally excited, noisy and risk takers, so we try to manage that”.  The result is a tour that shows respect for the animals while also offering an interactive experience for their visitors.

“Oh I love it when there’s kids who have never held or touched an animal before” Clare shared with me. “It’s surprising just how many have never held a rabbit or even had a cat”. Living on the farm provides learning experiences for their daughter Isobel too who sometimes joins the tours.  It truly is a family business in its most literal sense. The couple joked with me about how they best juggle the business, family life and marriage. “Perseverance” Richard said, “I try to stay positive”. “Cups of tea” Clare laughed which is obviously the secret to any marriage.
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If you were thinking about going to visit the Dun Eden Family Farm and its new owners, I can’t recommend it enough. You’ll find it a relaxed, educational and fun trip that will have you coming back for more animal cuteness. I know we’ll be back, thanks for having us Richard and Clare.

For part two of my ‘Women Living With Passion’ series I was lucky enough to attend the More FM Child and Baby Show and interview local Dunedin ladies doing what they love and showcasing their talents.  Any event that brings together and celebrates women and mothers doing something they love is my kind of heaven.  Every lady I spoke to was extremely passionate about the venture she was a part of. I scooped up their experiences, wisdom and advice and melded it together here for you all to enjoy.

I just love listening to ladies talk about their network marketing teams. It seems to be a way of working together that appeals to women and particularly mums.  Motherhood can, for some, be an isolating and frugal time.  Network marketing teams provide support, income, training and flexibility.  It’s not a pyramid scheme but rather a mutually beneficial web of women working together.  Any woman I’ve spoken to about their network marketing experience has literally glowed as they’ve told me about the brand they work with. 
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​My last chat of the day was with Karen, Donna and Mark at the Doodle Bug stand. The idea to do creative and custom height charts came to Karen when she was printing her son’s artwork on their wide set printer which they have for their printing business. The ability to print long designs opened the door for height charts which the team personalise for their clients. Karen shared, “It allows me to have some fun and be creative”. The team get great feedback from clients who love the personalised nature of the product which makes a great, inexpensive gift that can be taken from home to home. Mark chatted to me about the great team dynamic they have. Being parents of the same age bracket, they can relate to each other’s experiences and support each other. The team and their children feature in the brochure they had on their stand making the business truly a family affair. They support the Child Cancer Foundation with 5% of all height chart purchases being donated PLUS they can help you with your own fundraising through selling their awesome height charts. So many reasons to call and get to know this great team. 

​I had such a great time chatting to the people behind these businesses, I only wish I could have interviewed everyone!  I’m looking forward to the next More FM Child and Baby Show so that I can get another dose of inspiration and passion. 

Recently I had the pleasure of interviewing Lizz Carrington and Joanne La Hood about their journey to creating and running the More FM Baby and Child Show.  I go into interviews with an open mind about what I might learn about the people in front of me, but I was sure I was going to hear some stories.  Highs and lows, mistakes and wins, and all the twists and turns that brought them to running their 4th show this year.

But actually, their story is not one of drama. In fact, I don’t think I’ve met a more laid back business duo.  If they had any struggles in their journey to creating the show (which I’m sure wasn’t without incident), it’s just not what they focus on when they talk about the show. The story that naturally unfolded as I nestled in on Lizz’s couch was one of friendship, community and support. It all began with a baby.

Two babies actually, Lizz and Jo met at antenatal class and hit it off as their personalities clicked. Their similar outlook on parenting and life created a recipe for a deep friendship that grew as their babies did. As second babies arrived and work-life balance became more of a challenge, conversations around going into business together grew to the point of action. Lizz had been working towards creating an expo to profile the ‘Head Start’ active movement programme she had been involved in creating.  When the plans fell through, she was encouraged by her boss to go through with it.  So Lizz approached her best friends Olivia Shirley and Jo to make it happen.  With their powers combined, 3 Mums Ltd was born – the seventh baby of the six they already had between them.

In the dos and don’ts of the business world you’ll hear a quote that says “never go into business with friends or family”.  Whoever said that never met Jo and Lizz.  I know for sure that I would drive my best friend crazy if we went into business so I asked them what their secret is. Lizz shared “I don’t know whether it just comes down to the personalities of the friendships? We would have pulled the pin if it looked like it was ever going to go that way because the business is nowhere near as important as our friendship”.  In fact, it was depth of love and care for their friend Olivia that allowed their business trio to become a duo this year with no strain or stress.  “For Olivia is was a matter of family first and of course we’re supportive of that”. 

Coffee and laughter flowed as Jo and Lizz recounted bringing together their first show. There were certainly moments of excitement and anxiety.  Going from a small scale plan of using a couple of courts at the Edgar Centre to needing to fill a whole arena, sure that produced a bit of a heart flutter.  I could still hear the nerves in Jo’s voice as she spoke about wondering if people would even show up and her surprise at finding a queue around the corner. Gobsmacked was the word she used.

Personally, I’m not surprised. There’s just something about these girls and what they’re doing that draws you in.  It’s no wonder the event has a magnetic quality to it.  What determines the success of a venture, in my opinion, is the vision behind it. Plans for the show came together out of a desire to showcase the amazing services and craft talent in Dunedin. Services and products that might remain relatively unknown otherwise.
As we shared our views on the importance of support, networks and community for mums I got a sense of the passion these ladies have for giving back to Dunedin.  That not-for-profits organisations can exhibit and gain exposure via their event is very important to them.  I could see how much it filled their hearts to hear about friendships and connections made at the show between exhibitors. Personally, I feel that women in particular are collaborators by nature.  The opportunity that Lizz and Jo give local business women and mums to connect in this way is hugely valuable.  On top of that Jo and Lizz are committed to providing value to their attendees. As soon as the show finishes they begin plans for the next one and set themselves a challenge to add value and build on the experience.

At the end of the day, what inspired me the most from talking to these two energetic, kind and giving ladies was seeing that they’re having fun, doing something they love with someone they love – who could ask for more?

Inspired and ready to hit the More FM Baby and Child Show
Bronwyn Bay

Some of you may remember a series of annoying posts on Facebook from me in June. Every day, for the month of June, I met with a different person (either in person or virtually) and had a chat with them. I called it the "Cuppa Challenge".

Many people asked me how I came up with this idea and the truth is.....I didn't. The cuppa challenge concept is the genius of Jason Elkins from 100 Cups Consulting in Tennessee, USA. Jason learnt long ago the power of making authentic connections with people as a way of doing business and made it into his business model. Jason's idea was to do 100 cups over a set period of time (not everyday - don't be crazy).

I didn't want to copy his idea so I spoke to him about doing a cuppa challenge instead - a cup a day, every day for a month. He had two things to say to me. First "awesome! go for it". Second "what's a cuppa?".  Language barriers aside, Jason agreed to mentor me through the process and what a process it was.  Here are the top 6 things I learned from doing the cuppa challenge:

​1. Listening is more than what you hear

I found that listening to someone, truly listening,  required me to use much more than my ears. I entered this challenge with the intention to deeply understand and receive the person in front of me.  I wanted to hear about their journey, their needs, wants, desires and, if they were open to sharing it, their pain.  Listening on this level meant I took in much more than their words.  I watched their facial expressions, I heard the tone of their voice, I saw their body language.   I noticed what they were NOT saying, I could sense when they were uncomfortable and if they were truly feeling heard and seen. I realised that listening is a full body experience.  For me personally, it is a spiritual experience. A sacred gift of receiving someone’s heart.  By keeping a space open for them to empty words longing to be released I realised that I also was providing a gift.  The gift of being truly present with them. 

I’m as guilty as the next person of not being present with people when they’re speaking.  Sometimes I’d be waiting for them to stop speaking so I can say something I felt I needed to say.  Perhaps I’d interrupt and change the subject to something I want to talk about.  Perhaps I’d make nodding movements while I was off in my head thinking about something else.  What made me present in these conversations was my intention.  I went into these meetings with a plan to capture the essence of the person I was talking to.  I realised that in this state of being present and attentive, I was a better person. I remained interested in them, I shared my experiences as they became relative to the conversation, I asked questions to learn more, I offered help where appropriate.  In the face of people’s pain, I expressed empathy and if I could relate to the situation I would share the insights I’d learned on my journey if they could be of help.  If I couldn’t relate I shut my trap and remained supportive.  I came to see how much being heard helped to heal. They didn’t need my advice, I was already doing enough by being truly present.

​2. Rivers and Streams

Some people’s stories flowed out of them like rivers rushing to the sea.  It was like they had been longing for someone to finally show a genuine interest in them, their story and their dreams.  For these people, most of my prewritten questions didn’t get asked.  It was much more important to me to follow the flow of their dialogue and go with the ride. Some had so much to say their words flew at me like a torrent but I remained intrigued. In those situations I ditched my canoe for a white water rafting boat.  There was almost a kind of anxiety in their voice that they may not get out everything they needed to say.  I felt close to wanting to calm them down and assure them that I wasn’t going anywhere. 

Others were intrigued to meet me but cautious of sharing their story with me.  Their words tickled more like a stream.  This is when my prewritten questions helped to ease some anxiety around awkward silence.  Some were so closed off, it made me wonder why they volunteered for a chat.  I decided to remain open to the idea that perhaps this conversation was one of many to come where slowly but surely the dam would weaken and overtime all of who they are might flow to me as our relationship deepened.

6. Debrief With Someone Who Gets It

Having Jason mentor me through my cuppa challenge was a lifesaver.  I was able to spill every awkward moment, express frustrations and re-frame my mindset as I went along.  Having someone cheer me on and show genuine interest in what I was learning kept me energised and committed.  Jason has continued to wave pom poms for me long after the cuppa challenge finished.  To find someone who learns from you as much as you learn from them is a real treasure.  I’m very happy to live in an age where oceans and countries needn’t be a barrier to creating deep connections that fill your heart, give you strength and keep you moving.  So if you were thinking of working with Jason….back off he’s mine (just kidding), consider yourself lucky for having come across him and don’t miss out on having a cup (virtual or in person) with this remarkable man.  www.100cups.coffee

Okay first, who is Sally Anderson? 

Sally Anderson is a force I tried to reckon with and in doing so, I got to experience being completely undone and completely put back together. It was what I’d call a ‘catastrophic yet miraculous process’ and I’d do it again if I ever found I needed to.  If you haven’t heard her name before you’ll soon be seeing it everywhere.  Sally is an extraordinary woman who has overcome impossible odds to be a pioneer in sustainable human transformation and you can learn more about her journey via her website.
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In the past, I have referred to the ‘caterpillar turning into a butterfly’ process to describe my journey of self-discovery and transformation.  I’d write about it as if the process is wonderful, joyful and happy. Don’t get me wrong, you start with a caterpillar and you end up with a beautiful butterfly - there’s plenty that’s wonderful, joyful and miraculous about that. You know what I realised though? I had never actually looked into the process the caterpillar goes through inside its chrysalis to become a butterfly.

Recently my eldest girl had a chrysalis in her classroom. At home we decided to look at some videos of the process and I came to learn what truly happens to that caterpillar. In short, it digests itself.  A sort of self-destruct button is pushed; the body is liquefied leaving only a few cells that have the butterfly programme installed within them.  These cells use the surrounding soup (that used to be the caterpillar – ewwwww!) to fuel a new cell division process that will rebuild the previous life form into a butterfly.  I was shocked at the grotesque nature of the transformation.  Seriously though, what did I think was going on in there? It wasn’t having a massage and meditating.  On learning this truth, I began to wonder whether the caterpillar/butterfly transformation was the best analogy to be using in my blogs.

However, after spending 3 days with Sally on Evolved 3 Day Leadership Advance, I can see that it is the perfect analogy of what true inner transformation entails.  From my experience, it sums up pretty nicely the journey Sally Anderson took me on.  Look, she’s not going to liquefy you literally but what I found is that she only sees the butterfly cells in every person she encounters.  She helps you to also be someone who only sees butterfly cells in every person you meet. And even as you sit there, looking like a caterpillar, sounding like a caterpillar and being a caterpillar she will call upon your butterfly cells and it will be up to you to push the self-destruct button or “flick the f#$k it switch” to use a Sallyism.

Oh dear, does that sound hard or like a lot of work? Actually, part of the genius of Sally’s teachings lies within its simplicity.  That doesn’t mean it’s not hugely valuable.  Sally’s teachings and processes are completely unique to her programme and as a former personal development addict I can tell you that I’ve not found what she’s doing anywhere else.  Furthermore, Sally is committed to her legacy and that involves supporting her attendees through the process and beyond.  This isn’t one of those retreats where you have profound experiences and then go back to the “real world” and find you can’t cope again.  The support remains and though a huge part of the learning is how to be self-sustaining in your new way of being, it helps a great deal to know she’s there.

I’ve already had a few people messaging me and wanting to know what it’s like to do work with Sally.  It’s pretty hard to put into words what is in fact an experience that goes beyond the limited realm of language. In fact, there is so much in play energetically and spiritually with the process that it’s pretty hard to recall exactly just what the hell happened.  All you know for sure is that you’ve changed at your core and there’s no going back. That doesn’t mean life will be roses from now on, it just means Sally (in conjunction with the universe) helped you find your keys so you can now drive your life. But it’s up to you to pick up the keys, turn the ignition and take responsibility for how you drive.  If you see me bunny hopping along, just give me a wave.  I’ve had to learn all over again and for that I’m grateful.

Are you intrigued? Here are the dates for Sally's upcoming events:
​http://www.evolvedleadership.com.au/event-directory/

​I think that it’s fair to assume that behind every great event is a great event organiser.  This is certainly true of the Southland and Dunedin Wedding Shows which are both run by Sandy Jefferies.  Sandy agreed to meet with me at a local café to discuss her journey from kindy teacher to wedding photographer, to wedding show organiser extraordinaire.

Sandy’s journey teaches us that life simply does not go in the logical A to B to C order.  It goes from A to Q to E to W to B.  For example, an early childhood teacher might pick up a camera to capture children at play as part of the documentation requirements of the kindy where she works. Through that simple act of picking up a camera, that kindy teacher might find herself stumbling across a passion. That was Sandy’s experience, and it’s a passion that she still enjoys today.  In short, one day she picked up a camera and never put it down.

It’s a curious thing that some people will find something they love doing and decide to make it a hobby and others will make it a business.  I asked Sandy about that turning point for her. “My partner, who is now my husband, told me - if you’re going to do something, you better do it properly”.  So Sandy went back to school to complete night courses in photography while she did teacher relieving during the day.  “The relieving helped pay for the course and the cameras.  I loved relieving.  I could pick and choose my work, it was flexible and I wasn’t tied down to one location”.

Sandy started her photography business in 2003 and enjoyed a variety of work from weddings to graduations to family portraits.  Exhibiting at local wedding shows was a great way for her to showcase her work.  This was the start a new interest area for Sandy, through this it all began.

Have you ever seen someone doing something and thought to yourself “I could do that but if I did it, I’d do this and that differently”?  I imagine a lot of people have those thoughts but only a few ever see it through.  Sandy is one of those people.  She saw huge potential in the wedding shows she exhibited at and eventually put her ideas into action.

2009 was a big year for Sandy. Not only was she launching her first series of wedding shows (that’s right, a series – 3 in fact) while simultaneously continuing her photography business, she was also busy making a person – her second child. I asked Sandy about the pressure of bringing together her first shows knowing a baby was on the way “It didn’t worry me.  I saw an opportunity and loved it”. I could tell this was a lady that didn’t do things by halves.  How did she come to be so focused and hard working?

In a word, swimming.  Sandy swam at a national level when she was growing up and had a coach who was an incredible mentor to her.  “He taught me the importance of 3 words; dedication, determination and drive.  If you haven’t got those things, don’t do it”.  It was clear that Sandy had ample access to all three of those important words given to her by a much loved coach.

Yet, all the dedication, determination and drive in the world cannot save us from learning the hard lessons when it comes to bringing forward a vision.  For Sandy, it was a lesson in knowing her limits.  Sandy was enjoying bringing her wedding shows to life and of course her photography business remained a passion but her baby girl was experiencing some health struggles and she came to the realisation that something had to give. Sandy stepped away from her photography business so she could have more time with her girl and focus more on her wedding shows. It was a hard decision but she knew it was what she had to do. “My children are my priority, they come first”. 

This was just one of many decisions that Sandy has navigated through her career.  She’s had to decide when to move to a new venue, when to stop having a show in one location and when to start one in another.  Trusting her gut proved to be another major lesson for Sandy, one that proved so harsh that mistakes made almost saw the end of the wedding shows altogether.  “I decided to shut them down.  I was severely tired and burnt out. I decided to have someone else do them”.  How did she feel during that time? “I was sad.  I felt like I had let myself down.  I hadn’t got to my goal or my dream”. 

Yet, during this low period for Sandy something quite remarkable happened.  The show that Sandy let go of started creating itself. A venue got in touch, compelling her to keep going and wanted to meet about holding her show at their location.  A panel hire company got in touch also compelling to her to keep going and wanted to meet to work out a floor plan.  Exhibitors from her previous shows got in touch and wanted to book their stalls for her next show.  What Sandy didn’t realise was that all her hard work had created a momentum that just couldn’t be stopped. There’s a quote I just adore from Joseph Jaworski’s book ‘Syncrhoncity’ about visionaries and their path - “one arrives at a point where freedom and destiny merge”.  In my opinion, this is what happened to Sandy.  When you are on your path, doing exactly what you’re meant to be doing – you simply cannot stop doing it even if you tried.

Sandy simply had to step into the show that was already being created around her.  Since then, Sandy has connected with people who help her bring the show together.  I asked Sandy how she felt about relinquishing control over some things “I just can’t do everything. To grow a business, you’ve got to learn to let go. You’ve just to put people in areas where you’ll know they’ll do well. You’ve got to trust people who are working in their passion”.

​I can tell from talking to Sandy that working with passionate people and mentoring other mums in business is one of the things she loves doing with the wedding shows. “There’s a lot of pressure on mums to succeed. They can stop believing in themselves and doubt their decisions.  I see it all the time. I tell them that everything you do leads to where you want to go.  But if you don’t have a path of where you want to go then it’s going to be really hard to get there”.

Sandy also likes to support others through community work with her local rotary club and also via charity events.  In fact, she has an upcoming high tea and auction event happening in Invercargill to raise funds for a local girl who broke her back during the March balcony collapse in Dunedin.  “My Dad worked a lot in the community.  He always to taught me to give to others and not to expect anything in return”.

I absolutely adored listening to Sandy pour her passion out to me.  It truly was an interview that I felt could have lasted a full day but I was able to squeak in a few questions at the end around her plans and vision for her wedding shows. “The vision is to be the ‘go to’ wedding event for brides”.  And does she have plans to grow the shows? “Absolutely yes, amazing plans”. The scoop is that there will be an awesome new event starting next year.  If you’re as intrigued as I am, I’m sure you’ll be watching this space.  With a lady like Sandy Jefferies dreaming up new events, you know it will be one not to be missed.

Thank you Sandy for allowing me to interview you.  It truly was an honour to chat with someone so passionate about what they do and equally passionate about seeing others working together to help brides have the wedding of their dreams.

For a while now I’ve seen a pattern emerging in some blogs and articles.  The ones that mum bloggers write lamenting the days of ‘the village’.  Actually, there is a beautiful one written by Bunmi Laditan that I share often because you can feel the heart of it as you read it. You ache for what she writes about.  A community of mums who take care of each other and each other’s children.  Who cook together, laugh together, cry together.  We notice the lack of community and connection in our lives and we sigh.  If only people weren’t so closed off from one another.  If only we weren’t so busy.  If only we reached out to each other and cared.  There comes a time, I feel, when the noticing and sighing needs to stop and accountability needs to step in.  No one is going to create a village for us, each of us must be a part of the process of creating it.

I wrote one such article myself and Pathways to Family Wellness actually published it.  But I didn’t write it as a sort of curse to the world and what it’s become.  I actually wrote it as part of creating a vision for ‘It Takes A Village…’ the community support initiative I started in East Auckland.  It wasn’t something I wrote to say “there’s no village these days, oh well”.  I wrote it because I needed something to look at every time I lost sight of why I was bothering to try.  It was my hope that ‘It Takes A Village…’ would create more connection and community where I lived and I’ll admit, I had some success but I learned quickly that this was a vision I couldn’t create alone. 

What I found was that the mums of my community were thirsty for connection.  I tested the waters with a sort of “hey anyone want to join an initiative where we all do what we can to help each other out?” – the Facebook group had over 100 members within a day.  This was one of those typical Bron moments where I leaped without looking.  Suddenly I had all these members I thought to myself “yes Bron, they’re here – now what are you going to do with them all?”  Of course I assumed they joined because they wanted to meet each other and start creating that village we all longed for.  “Woo hoo!” I said.  “Let’s all meet at the local beach for a picnic and connect”.  Off I went ready to embrace my local sisters and I was met with deafening silence.  One mum came, one. Lauren Hill who I love and miss terribly. 

I came to the realisation that yes, we want the village but many don’t want to do the work of creating and building the village.  This is true for so many societal disorders.  We sit around saying “someone needs to do something!” Yes we do.  We have to be brave.  Really, really brave.  It takes huge amounts of courage to let down your guards (just a little, easy does it!) and allow people into your homes and hearts.  To share vulnerable stories.  To hear vulnerable stories.  To refrain from judgement.  To accept people as they are despite not understanding why they say or do the things they do. 

Most of us live in a time poor world.  We have no time! We need to run on the treadmill of life just to keep everyone fed and clothed.  Changing how we function as a community could gift us more time but it would mean reconsidering how we relate to each other and how we do things.  For example, food is free if we grow it ourselves.  Water is free if collect it ourselves.  If we foster relationships with the people on our street we can share resources.  How many lawnmowers are there on one street? How many ladders? Who’s throwing out something somebody needs? How could we know if we haven’t ever said hello to each other?

You see, the reason I called the initiative ‘It Takes A Village…’ was not because I didn’t know the rest of the proverb is ‘to raise a child’.  It’s because I actually believe it takes a village to do a lot of things.  It takes a village to take care of our elderly, to help struggling families, to take care of our environment.  In essence, what I felt was that it takes a village to create a village.  I wanted to foster the village mindset.  I targeted the initiative towards mums because being a mum is my field of expertise.  I had hoped that over time the initiative would grow to include all members of the community. I also started with mums because they are hugely influential, much more than they realise.  And mothers working together? Oh the mountains they’d move.

And now I’m in Dunedin and I’m at it again.  You can take the girl out of the village etc.  I think it wont matter where I live, I will always be driven to create community and connection.   Especially for mums and people who mother (see my previous blog).  Because I think deep in our DNA we know that we are supposed to gather.  It’s like we’ve got amnesia and just have this faint memory that we are stronger when we support each other.  It’s why, I feel, coffee groups are so common and yet many mums feel unsatisfied with them.  Because some coffee groups have become a distant cousin to the true, deep, healing nature of women coming together to share their hearts with each other.  To practice the art of listening – deeply to each other.  Where we feel no need to give advice because we know that a woman speaks her troubles to clear her chaotic thoughts and feelings and access her own innate wisdom that waits calmly to rise once the path is cleared. It’s because of this that I created a meetup called 'Share Your Heart', it's where magic happens.

And I’ve learned my lesson that it’s not up to me to organise a whole community alone. I can't bring people together and say “right you lot – love each other”.  My job is simple.  To live and breathe community, caring, connection, empathy and acceptance.  To reach out again and again.  To open my home again and again.  More than anything I say, or write – my lived example will be what creates the most impact. We all hold that power.  Our lives are the very ripples that grow to create waves of change. Our awareness of the lack of a village must lead, eventually, to our accountability of its demise and our responsibility to pick up hammer and nails and build the community we want.

With love
Bron (village builder)

Interesting reads:
http://www.filmsforaction.org/articles/a-circle-of-gifts/
http://www.le.org.nz/savings-pools
http://www.le.org.nz/time-banks
 

For me, becoming a mother was like stepping into another dimension.  There was so much information and contradicting advice it made my head spin.  I have experienced the very highs and lows of motherhood and continue to ride the ups and downs.  My greatest struggles so far have  included going through post natal depression after the birth of my second daughter and the near drowning of my eldest which although traumatic, shot me into a space of gratitude and ignited a search for passion and purpose.

In January 2014, after yet another hard night of broken sleep and dragging myself off to work, I wondered "Is it supposed to be this hard?"  I put the call out to my local community of mums and asked "What if we all just did what we could to support each other?"  The concept was well received, and I had 150 mums join the community support initiative within 3 days.  I called it 'It Takes A Village...'

I had a fantastic time running this initiative, it was my passion. Even though I worked full time with two children under five I just loved doing it.  I ran clothing swaps, toy swaps, cultural celebrations, parenting and budgeting talks.  I saw that many mums were running in home businesses so I put on a MumsBiz expo to drum up local support.  That was amazing.  We ended up with a room of 40 mums networking and connecting like crazy. 

Many mums would come to me with their heartaches and struggles and that's why I felt compelled to run the Mothers Unite! Conference, to try and address those very hidden but very mum orientated issues of isolation and loss of identity.  By the time the conference was over in March 2015 I found I was almost burnt out.  I loved, loved, loved all that I was doing but the strain of working full time and doing it all was taking a toll.  I took a break for a bit and just as I was looking for ways to get funding for 'It Takes A Village...' my husband got a chance to be relocated to Dunedin for work.  It was very hard to leave what I created behind but it was truly the best thing for our little family, we had been struggling so much in Auckland. Some lovely Auckland mums have taken over 'It Takes A Village..' and it's now just reached over 1000 members in its Facebook community.  

So now I'm in Dunedin and back into my passion of building connection, love and community in the world of mums. If you'd like to work with me pop over to my 'Work With Bron' page or drop me a line via the 'Contact' page.  Looking forward to connecting with you!

Bronwyn Bay
Mum, Blogger, Freelance Writer, Community Builder