It was a stunning, crisp winter day in May 2013. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky and yet a storm raged inside of me. I was in the depths of post natal depression where I could see no light, no hope, and no way out of the exhaustion, anxiety and fears that had overcome me. It was only 10am and already I felt completely drained. Tears streamed down my face as I thought about the fact that I was going to have to get through another 7 hours at least until Chris got home. I thought about inviting another mum over to help pass the time. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t bear the thought of putting on a smile while we discussed teething issues and I’d have to pretend that when both my daughters were screaming at me, I didn’t hang my heads in my hands and fantasise about walking out the front door and never looking back.


I didn’t realise I had put expectations on myself regarding becoming a mother a second time until Michaela arrived. Everything was different. She was breastfed, Charlotte wasn’t. She only did 20min cat naps throughout the day, Charlotte had slept for 2-3 hours. She woke every 1-2 hours in the night, Charlotte had slept longer. I was not prepared for the level of exhaustion I was still going to be feeling after 4 months and it didn’t seem like it was going to let up any time soon. Plus my beautiful 2 year old had changed from a happy and joyful child to a terror who threw things, drew on things, yelled and screamed and pushed everyone but me away. She both loved and hated her new baby sister who was taking up almost all my attention. Michaela constantly wanted to be held and would cry if I sat down or stood still. The guilt I felt for the pain my 2 year old was going through tore me up inside. It was incredibly hard for all 3 of us. I cried to the night sky and asked whoever might be listening to give me strength.


So here I was on this morning in May at my wits end when I decided that we would go for a walk. Charlotte insisted that she was tired and wanted to lie down in the stroller. So I laid it flat and I strapped her in. I wasn’t going to deal with her trying to move around in there while pretending to sleep. I threw a blanket over her, popped Michaela into her sling and off we went. We had only gotten around the corner when I stopped at a crossroad. Usually I go left towards the playground and do a walk around the block but today I felt a little tug inside me that said “why not go right?”. It seemed like small decision but it was one that would change my life. I didn’t know it at the time, but it was a hugely crucial crossroad that I was standing at.


I sort of shrugged my shoulders and thought “why not? I’ve got nowhere to be” and so I went right. I went right into a powerful transformation. Heading right meant I was walking along a flat pathway that runs along the top of a bank leading down to a shallow storm drain. I had only just started along the path when Michaela started to fuss in her sling. As she wiggled like a little worm I hoisted the sling up a little so that her legs would be more comfortable and then I heard Charlotte cry “Mumma!”. She sounded scared. I looked up and saw that the stroller was gone. In my exhaustion and drained state, I had absent mindedly taken my hands off the stroller to adjust the sling and not put the brake on. I looked to my right and saw, to my horror, the stroller crashing down the hill towards the storm drain.


Usually this wouldn’t have been a huge problem. I mean, of course it’s a major problem when a stroller rolls down a hill with a child strapped inside but what I mean is the storm drain is shallow. On most days there is a trickle of water running through it. But this was no ordinary day. This was the day of my transformation. I saw the stroller hit the storm drain and topple on its side in the water. Even as I ran down the hill after it I was having a typical mum thought of “oh great, now she’s wet, the walk is ruined, we’ll have to go home”. It wasn’t until I got to the stroller that I realised things were much worse than expected. Due to the thunder storm we’d had yesterday the storm drain was full to overflowing and moving incredibly fast. I put one foot in the water to try and pull the stroller from the torrent and was instantly swept in. I landed on my butt right next to the turned over stroller. The water was freezing! I was stunned for just a moment as Michaela began to scream as she was half in the water. She looked at me with a bewildered face as if to say “why am I cold and wet?”

I turned to the stroller and saw a sight I will never forget. Charlotte’s face under water as the torrent streamed over her. She was trapped under the water due her being strapped in the stroller. It was so surreal, it felt like it wasn’t happening but it was and I had to get the stroller out of the water. I pushed at it from my awkward place of sitting in the water and it would not budge. This is no little push chair. This is a Phil and Ted’s mountain buggy. It weighs 30lbs and had my 20lb daughter inside. Plus, the force of the raging water was pinning it down. I realised from where I was sitting I couldn’t lift it and she needed her head above water NOW. “God!” I called out as I felt the intensity of the situation. I became incredibly focused. I didn’t have time to panic or scream. Instinctively I wedged my leg under the stroller and used it to lever the stroller up so her head would come above water. As her head raised above the water she opened her eyes and gasped for air. She was breathing, I had done it, now I could panic.


I yelled for help and I heard one of the most beautiful sounds. A young man running down the hill from the Christian College that was on the other side of the storm drain calling out “I’m coming!”. He and a group of other students came galloping down the hill to pluck us from the chilly water. I sat trembling on the grass in shock with my eyes closed. I couldn’t bear to take in the world around me . I retreated inside, unable to respond. One of the girls stood forward and asked me gently “can I take your baby from you?” to which I nodded gratefully. The students took my girls into their care on the grassy bank. I knew they were safe and in that moment I released all the sorrow, pain, rage and anguish that I had been trying to cope with since birthing Michaela. It was all too much. I had only just been hanging on and now this – I was done. “My babies almost drowned!” I wailed in between the torrent of tears and cries that flooded out of me. I wailed and I sobbed at the top of my lungs. I had, on so many occasions, wished that I could go outside and scream at the top of my lungs without the neighbours thinking I was being murdered. Now I was doing it and I didn’t care. I wouldn’t say I let the emotions out, I had lost all control – they burst their way out of me. It was cathartic. It came directly from my stomach, through my heart, out my mouth and out onto the muddy grass which is all I could keep my eyes on at the time.


The students around me were all in their final year of school. About 7 of them had come down the hill and stood around me at a distance. One of the girls was struggling with my distress and asked me “what should we do?”. I felt for that girl, truly. She was on the verge of becoming an adult but there was still very much a child in her voice. She was asking me for guidance as an adult. I had to tell her while still staring at the mud “I’m sorry, I’m in shock. I don’t know what to do”. I can imagine they all felt quite helpless in that situation but what they didn’t realise was they were already doing something amazing. Their mere loving and caring presence from a distance gave me the space I needed to release the traumatic emotions that were within. To this day I feel that being allowed to have such a huge release on that muddy bank saved me from post traumatic syndrome –I’m not sure why I believe that but I certainly recovered much quicker than expected from my ordeal.


Soon a teacher appeared and helped me up the bank. I was reunited with my girls and we were taken to the nearby clinic to get checked over. One of the strangest things I noticed on that day was how Charlotte was behaving. As I was being helped up the bank still shaking and in shock I saw Charlotte sitting with a group of students. She had a blanket around her and she had a very strange closed mouth smile on her face. As the doctor checked her over at the clinic she continued to have this strange smile on her face. She never cried – even when she was pulled from the water. She seemed completely at ease with the experience and even the next day asked to get in the stroller and lay down.


Once I had overcome the shock I realised I had overcome something else. My post natal depression had vanished. I was so immersed in the feeling of gratitude that I still had both my daughters with me that it was impossible for me to feel anything else. When I told people what had happened some of them would react in horror and say “oh my god, what if Charlotte hadn’t been strapped in and had been swept away? What if Micahela had been in the second seat of the stroller? What if? What if? What if?”. I’ll admit it was difficult to hear people pointing out to me how much worse the situation could have been, bringing me images of much worse potential outcomes. I continued to feel nothing but gratitude and I would tell them so “yes, it could have been so much worse. I’m so grateful. Thank god Charlotte was strapped in, thank god I wasn’t in a more remote location of the walkway, thank god Charlotte called out to me as the stroller rolled down the hill, thank god it was morning tea break and the students were in the lunch room that looks over the storm drain”.


What happened to my girls and I, in my view, was nothing short of a traumatic miracle. Is that possible? After all we think of miracles as wondrous and joyous events. Well I think it is, because it happened to me. I’m sure there are many who have been through a traumatic or incredibly painful situation to find a multitude of gifts on the other side of the experience. There is plenty I’ve gone through in my life that seemed unfair and horrible at the time that actually delivered me to people, places, realisations and experiences that I would not have had otherwise.


If you are going through something traumatic and painful right now, I’m not going to say something cliché to you like ‘this too shall pass’ or ‘everything happens for a reason’ (give me a bucket!). What I’m doing is sharing my traumatic experience with you to let you know that for me – when it seemed like the universe had kicked me when I was down it was actually busting me out of the prison I was in. Had I not asked for strength? I was so far down the hole that 'gently does it' wasn’t going to cut it. The universe lit a rocket under my butt and sent me to the stars.


Do I still walk around feeling euphorically grateful for my girls when they are screaming, crying, throwing things and biting? Of course not, there will always be ups and downs but I don’t think I could ever go back to such a low place where I would wish them away because I almost got my wish. Sometimes the only way to break free is to go through something chaotic. A plant busting out of the seed must seem like total destruction at the time when in fact it’s growth. A caterpillar shuts itself away into closed off darkness before kicking its way out of the cocoon it created. As long as you’re breathing there’s hope.


I hope my story gives you strength.

With Love
Bron (seed buster, cocoon kicker)

There's so much I'm excited about regarding 2015. The one thing that makes me anxious, however, is Charlotte turning 5 and entering the school system. Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful to live in a country where learning how to read, write and use numeracy skills is provided for free. I also think being a teacher is one of the most noble vocations there is. It's just, well - I can't help but ponder the question 'why do we send our children to school?'.


If you're answer is - 'because it's the law' then you may not be ready to enter this discussion with me. And it truly is a discussion, a conversation that I feel needs to be had. We learn some pretty important skills at school like literacy and numeracy but in my view, school clearly goes beyond that - otherwise we'd be leaving school as soon as we can read, write and add numbers in our head. It seems to me, the reason we send our children to school is so that at the end of their learning they will be able to enter the workforce, in order to earn an income, in order to look after themselves. Seems like a good plan really - we do want our children to stand on their own two feet in time. I can't help but wonder though if schools couldn't assist our young people to become self reliant adults without pushing them through a one size fits all system?



We are individuals. Some of us learn very differently from others. We have different interests and passions. Why do we carry on using a schooling system that treats everyone the same? A system that sprung from the industrial revolution with the intention of churning out an obedient workforce? We have advanced as a society in so many ways - it seems clear to me that the system needs an overhaul. We, as the people, need to start calling the shots on the sort of education system we want to see for our children. It doesn't have to be anarchy - just a slow tweaking of the current system overtime as we all decide to commit to teaching our children what they are interested in rather than what 'god knows who' decided they should learn.



Almost always when I have brought up this question of 'why do we send our children to school?' people have said to me that I should consider home-schooling. The suggestion really doesn't answer the question. It seems to be more of a 'well if you don't like it, do home-schooling' sort of response. What I'd really love is for people to really, really consider the question. Perhaps I'm sensitive about it because I went to a strict private school. I really hated being told to respect authority when the person in authority was being so disrespectful to me. To this day I don't respect people simply because they are in a position of authority. I respect leadership and leaders (in my view) lead by example.



So for a while I did consider home-schooling. I mentioned it to a few people who told me outright that my children will be shut ins and anti social. Oh my - really? There was no mass school system in England before 1833 - how antisocial everyone must have been up until then. Really, the comments people come up with can be quite amusing. But yes I looked at home-schooling, I looked at Montessori, I looked at Steiner and in the end - I feel like the answer is somewhere in the middle. A mix of learning and teaching approaches that nourish the child's interests as well as learning core life skills. My vision involves parents coming together and coming up with a community led education programme that teaches core knowledge while using flexible teaching methods and allowing children to follow their interests. Most importantly though - it will be a collaboration between teachers and parents.



I feel that parents could be involved in the classroom as teacher aides (yes I can feel some teachers shuddering from here at the idea). It would certainly require some firm guidelines, boundaries and open communication between the parents and teachers for it to work. I'd like to be involved with a school that allows for parents to be involved in the classroom and I don't just mean as a helper on school trips. Bringing parents and teachers together in the classroom could help to break down the 'us' and 'them' battle I've seen rage on. What's more - teachers and parents could agree on universal virtues to teach the children as part of their learning to assist them in becoming well rounded adults. For example, there are a growing number of schools across New Zealand incorporating the 'Virtues Project' into the curriculum. The Virtues Project introduces virtues to the classroom that are universal and don't belong to any one religion like kindness, patience, compassion etc. http://www.virtuesproject.org.nz/



I guess it could be a sort of home-school co-op mash up. As I said, I have no idea really how it would work but I get a strong sense of how it will feel. Structured yet flexible with the main focus on teaching the children in ways that work for them as individuals. Allowing them to pursue what interests them while still teaching them the core learning required to function in society. There are potentially many more barriers and difficulties for such a schooling system to arise and I am sure there will be someone who will tell me that it can't be done. It's at times like these that I turn to Tim Finn who sang:


"We had no idea that it couldn't be done
All we needed to find was a like minded someone
Who had no idea that it couldn't be done"



So if you're a parent like me who wants to foster a learning environment for their children that encourages them to pursue their passions rather than assimilate into the rat race then please get in touch (bronbay@gmail.com). The more we brainstorm about ways we could pool resources, research options and find more like minded someones the more likely we are to find that it can in fact be done. Teachers - I'd be keen to hear from you too regarding your thoughts on what would and wouldn't work. I believe there are hundreds of ways we could be teaching our children but we've got ourselves stuck focusing on what already exists. As I said, it could be a matter of a school being open to introducing new ways of teaching and learning. Perhaps having the parents available in the classroom could allow for more flexibility.


As I said I'm on the look out for a school for my eldest so if you know of a school that is already finding ways to be flexible with children's learning needs as individuals - I'd love to hear from you.


I am open to constructive criticism and feedback. It's time to have that conversation.


With love
Bronwyn Bay (a like minded someone who has no idea that it couldn't be done)

For those of you who have travelled to London, you'll know the familiar warning of "mind the gap" being played over and over in the tube. The reason this warning comes to mind is that I was thinking of a "gap" this morning but it's not one you want to 'mind' but rather one to celebrate, cherish and set up camp in if you can.

I'm talking about the gap between receiving information and responding to it. It's a magic spot where, if you spend a little time, you can turn a negative situation into a learning situation. The difference, in my view between reacting and responding is how much time you spend in the gap. When information or situations are upsetting the gap is microscopic, near impossible to find. But you know it when you've spent time there - it's when you're telling the story of what happened to someone and you say something like "I was really good, I didn't react at all, I kept calm and said exactly what I needed to". You feel proud of how you handled a situation and you should!

So where's the gap? Well, generally I find it's after someone has said something to me and before I say something back. I find if I can remember to do a slow nod (to show that I've heard them) then that can be enough time to let the first reaction pass. I saw this at a mindfulness course I went on. As a group we would discuss our struggles with being mindful in our daily lives. After sharing our individual struggles the teacher would pause and do a slow nod before responding. It didn't matter what someone was saying, they did this every time, it was a habit they had created of pausing before speaking.

Some people on the course really struggled with the pause. They would rush in and say more things to fill the gap. In some cases it took a really long time before they gave up, let the gap be and allowed the teacher to respond. It was fascinating stuff to watch because I had never really stopped to think about instilling a practice in how I responded in conversations until I saw someone else doing it.

Sometimes the will to say the reactionary thing is REALLY strong, especially if what someone has said is offensive or hurtful. I find it particularly hard if someone is stuck in a "bitching" mode about someone else or a situation. You know when they are going on and on and you just want them to quit complaining and think about their role in the situation or at least start thinking about a solution? It's in times like those that the gap (if I can find it) allows me to move to a place of empathy. I try acknowledging how they are feeling and how hard the experience they had was. This can help to gently steer the person back to a place where they are feeling heard and accepted. That can be enough to allow them to move off the topic....sometimes.

So how do you find the gap? I find it really depends on where I am in relation to myself when the situation occurs. If I am stressed, unwell, tired, hungry, exhausted or overwhelmed in life in general then the likelihood of finding the gap or remembering to look for it is very low. So before you start on the quest to find the gap, check in with you. How you doing? I'm getting much better these days at recognising when I'm out of balance and for me, it often means rescheduling my calendar to make some room for some self care. This is especially important for parents. Spare time for myself does not fall in my lap - I need to elbow out the time and make it an appointment. Getting out of the house helps keep the call of children and housework at bay.

When I'm feeling good about me and life in general I find myself having these magic winning days. Days where I respond calmly to every problematic situation. Those are the days where tantrums from my children are greeted with empathy and big hugs instead of anger and frustration. Those are the days where you feel like you're winning at life and it feels that way because you are. Then there are the days where I am in a cycle of reacting to EVERYTHING and sweat the small stuff all day long. On those days, when I finally find 2 minutes of peace, I look back and see how I reacted to situations and how I could have responded differently. It's always so clear later on. The saying "hindsight is 20:20" is a bit dismissive in my view. Like it's not worth anything? Hindsight is very valuable. If you're able to see where you went wrong and how you could do things differently next time then that's a very important lesson. You're doing one step better than walking around angry at what happened and blaming everyone else.

Finding the gap can be difficult even when you are in a good space in your life. Mostly because rushing in and reacting has become a pattern in our lives. Remembering to pause becomes a practice. A mentor once said to me "the only way to stop doing something is to start doing something else". I think that's a very valuable insight because when you try to stop doing anything (smoking, eating sugar, watching TV) is does create a gap in your life and that IS a gap you want to mind. It's a gap that creates a discomfort much like the people who couldn't handle my mindfulness teacher's pause in conversation - you will rush in to fill it. That's why some people find they start eating more when they stop smoking for example.

So I suggest you stop reacting and start reflecting (as a replacement). The gap isn't a vacuum - it's a space where what is being received can be examined a little before you speak. It's about actively allowing what someone has said to land on you and giving yourself space to reflect on it for a few seconds before speaking.

The only way to start doing it is to start doing it. That might sound silly but I'm a huge culprit of reading countless "self help" books that mention many things you can start doing or stop doing in your life and, well, not doing any of them. You might be reading this blog nodding away, it all makes perfect sense on paper or on a screen. The real learning, however, is when you start living it. I'm not saying you should stop reading self help books but if you find, like me, you read one after the other without much change in your life it's because we forgot that reading about life is not the same as living it. It's another gap that we need to mind. The gap between our heads and our hearts. The gap between our thoughts and our actions. The gap between talking the talk and walking the talk.

So there are gaps to find and there area gaps to mind. Whatever you decide to do, the point is to do it and be gentle on yourself.

Lots of love
Bronwyn Bay (Gap Finder)


P.S. I highly recommend minding the gap in the London Subway.